He was alive.

For a brief moment he thought it ended, from the flashing of his life right before his eyes to the sudden abrupt stop of everything that ever meant something to him, he thought it just all came tumbling down. But here he was, opening his eyes again. Standing up, ever so slowly and brushing off the dirt and crud from himself. He picked himself up and stood erect to the world. He lifted his chin and started on his path again. The brief stumble, may have temporarily delayed him but it did not hurt the journey. He was still on track. He will get there. He felt it. He knew people believed in him.

Here he was, after one of the biggest falls in his life, slowly inching his way towards the  unknown. He felt the deep pangs of pain and anguish festering in his very soul but did not let anyone see it. His once tandem journey towards the dream, was within a short time, cut into a solo quest. But along the way he picked up companions. Companions who eased the burden, helped him carry the load, but alas never really truly alleviating the sorrow of loneliness.

The nights killed him.

He would lie on his back, staring into the darkness. His dreams were as vivid as ever. It reminded him of the good times, the best times, and of course the worst times as well. He continually questioned if it were all real and had it really happen. The answer was always and unequivocal resounding yes. The reality of it eats him during darkness. And then he closes his eyes in defeat until the sandman takes over his hurting soul.

Such was the story of Seth for quite some time.

But its a different story now.

He sat there at the pinnacle of everything he’s achieved and yet he was not happy. He sat atop his laurels and undying congratulatory handshakes and yet despite being surrounded by people who were indeed happy for him he felt the silent pangs of loneliness. Yes, he was lonely. His melancholic mood did not help either as his heart slowly withered away. He felt it growing colder, smaller, and with every breath died a little as he trudged along what he called a meaningful life. Success didn’t mean anything anymore. He was always working for a goal, an ideal, a dream, and then one day all that crumbled. They all left with her. He sat there, and despite having everything, he had nothing. He wanted nothing but to be able to have her, to hold her, once again.
He was lonely once more.

Loneliness in a sea of people. Drowning in his own stupidity. He once had everything when he had nothing. He promised her he would give the world to her. He would go out, and get everything she ever dreamed of, and be the man he wanted to be for her. But she couldn’t wait. She left him. She left him, when he finally had something to give. She left him when he finally was able to give her worth giving. And now that he had everything, he had nothing. Void of color, everything was washed away in a sea of blue and coldness. No spring in the step, no warmth in his smile, nothing. It was as if he just decided one day to stop caring, stop feeling. People say this is suppose to make him stronger, and yet, it just reminds him of how weak he really is. Weak and uncaring, like that tiny little smeagol or Gollum who cared nothing but his precious. Dependent on what he thought he got from the ring. He too hisses and curses. He broods and sulks. All this for his precious.

Seth stood there. He just stood looking out into the great unknown. He felt the pain in his heart and yet he did not allow himself to be engulfed by it. He closed his eyes, and under the stillness of his breath and quietness of the wind, whispered a simple prayer. This brief instant of clarity and pain and weight on him allowed him to become emotional and for the first time to truly feel what it is to be human. He was still lucid enough to be rational though. His eyes slowly opened, like the dawn breaking and rays of light started to penetrate his consciousness. He saw hope.

It is sad. There is no sense of denying it. The sense of loss would overcome any regular person. Thank God, Seth was not regular. He knew he was something else. He knew he was destined for even greater things. And now a greater person and partner too. He still lost someone. The proverbial breaking of the heart was still there. There is not joyous rapture that it is finally over. A somber grayness engulfed his vision. It was as if the vibrance of life was just suddenly stripped of its colors and was now a dull gray. All the colors, happiness, joy, just melted away. And all that was left were the ashes and memories of what was and the dreams and hopes of what could have been. His world was just a bit more bleaker now as it was when he woke up this morning. And yet he does not find himself in shambles.

He stood there. The same way he stood in his former life and saw a future that was great and beautiful only to realize that the person who you thought was standing with you was not there. Seth stood there thinking she was there holding his hand as they looked to a brighter future. But when he started moving towards that future she let go. Seth thought she was “THE ONE”, too bad he realized he was the only one to think so. And yet, life goes on. There is always a promise of a better tomorrow. Seth was a great guy. He has so much to offer. Never once did he hold back.

How does one begin to move on?

He wandered the halls for awhile looking and searching for something. For what he does not know. The world seemed bleak. It was even bleaker with the realization that there is nothing for him to look forward to. There was nothing for him to wake up to. Yet, his heart was not in turmoil as he expected it to be. It was as if he was dead and hollow inside. He knows it is just for this moment. So he let it engulf him totally. The emptiness, and deadness, and the nothingness, all of it swallowing his being whole. The world was gray. So was he.

He settled to sit on a bench. He looked over in a distance. He saw what was. He saw something beautiful. He had it, and now has lost it. The feeling of despair slowly crushing his chest as if it were a thousand pound weight. The image of what was, and might have been was just too overwhelming. And here he was, in the now, sitting with nothing or no one. Not even a promise that it will be better. That it will be ok. He closed his eyes and allowed all the beautiful memories to flood his senses. The scent, the touch, the feeling, and then it happened. He let go. He was dead inside. But only for a moment. Now he truly begins to live.

But for now, he just sits. Eyes slightly squinting at the ever vague future. And in the shadows of what might have been shines a glimmer of hope.

But for now he sits in silence. In peace, in tranquility, despite the turmoil of emotions welling up inside. He sits.

The View From The Cliff Was Stunning

She rose from bed with a bleary look in her eyes. She quickly recounted a vague dream. But that quickly passed. She put aside her pillows and quickly jumped to her feet. It was a new day. She did her morning rituals in dire anticipation of how her day will unfold. She was her own heroine in her own little life story.

She got ready for work. It was 6:30 AM

In another part of the country, he sat on a verandra staring out in the beautiful cove. The lush greenery and serene surroundings beckoning for him to relax was just too overwhelming. Yesterday, his world came crashing down upon him. Today was a new day. A strong wind blew past him as he sat in silence with a warm cup of coffee between his two clasp hands. He started to recount the events of yesterday and everything seemed like a dream. Like a bad nightmare, and luckily the details were not readily available. He wanted to scream and shout and yet, for fear of breaking the tranquil peace around him he held back. He pulled back. He knew emotions would not get him anywhere. He wanted to go over to the offending party and strangle the life out of him. But it wasn’t his fault. It was hers. But at the end of the day he knew the decision was his. Despite everything spiraling wildly out of control, after everything has been said and done, he still had a choice.

What a choice he had to make. Everything seemed like it was laid out. Exiled to a remote destination, the tranquil peace, the cool steady breeze, the symphony of birds chirping and waves crashing, they all seemed planned. It was as if the universe was setting him up for his defining moment.

He agreed in his head. He didn’t see this as a test or rather something similar to an emotional disaster. He saw this as his defining moment. His choice would define the kind of character and moral fiber that he had.

Now all he had to do was make that choice. The right choice.

He moved away from the window. He took one long gaze at nowhere in particular and decided to get back to his laptop. And just as he was turning away, he felt his heart skip a beat. Could it be?

Could it be that at the particular time, SHE was also thinking about him too. He would never know. But for that brief moment nothing else mattered.

She walked aimlessly along the streets. The whiz of cars passing by eager to get home were all but just a backdrop to the thoughts racing inside her head. She slowly raised her arms and brought the viewfinder to her left eye. She composed the scene as best she could. She wanted to so blindly just keep on clicking. But that would be stupid. Into the heart of the city she dared to venture. Crossing streets, following sidewalks, it was all just a game. She was looking for that perfect shot. From a distance, she could hear the thunderous roar of midnight traffic. Everyone wanted to get home to rest. It was after all a work day. She thought about the man who was wandering to his car in the slow drizzle of rain. ‘he must enjoy life’ she remembered thinking. She envied him. Here she was trying to capture something particular about life and she struggled. She missed that chance to take a snap shot of the guy walking in the rain. And then it happened.

Right before her eyes. She quickly composed the image in her head. Brought the camera quickly to her eye. SNAP. One image down. SNAP* SNAP*.  She was just randomly clicking as best she could. There it was the beauty and tragedy of life.

Nightscape

He looks outside his window. A light drizzle has started to fall. He had lost all track of time. He gathers his things and prepares to leave this place that he calls “an office”. He quickly jots something down in a blue ledger and proceeds to silently exit the building; lost in his own thoughts. He had just barely realized his own consciousness and now a beautiful new experience was upon him. He deliberately walks slowly in the rain, making sure his every step is firmly planted on the now damp grass. Tiny droplets of water float down from the endless and seamless dark of the night sky. Ahh the beauty that is October rain. There was a slight breeze as he fumbled for the keys for his car.

His journey continues on.

Swimming in his own thoughts, he is lost to a world unknown to everyone else including him. He couldn’t make sense of it all. From a distance he noticed a young lady watching him walk from the office exit towards the parking lot. There she stood. With a purple umbrella. Just watching. Observing. He felt this slight tinge of insecurity as he felt that the girl was watching his every move. Yet, he felt drawn to her. To meet her gaze. To connect. He wanted to reach out. To satisfy his need for social contact.

But the girl had already moved on.

He felt sad and somehow relieved. He was full of conflict. “Is this what it means to exist?” he continued to reflect upon as he started his 1 hour drive home. The engine hummed quietly as he sped away. Not knowing that his story had just begun.

He was thankful to the girl. He hoped to meet her again someday.

Little did he know, what is in store for him in the coming days.

She opened her eyes as the sun’s rays were piercing her already half-open eyelids. It was morning. She awoke at exactly the same time every day, regardless of the day. 6AM on the button. She wondered why she even bothered with an alarm clock.

She had a routine down. Get up, stretch for 5 minutes, get out of the cotton pajamas, take a quick shower for exactly 30 minutes. (She found it amusing that the fastest time she could take a bath would be 30 minutes as she felt the need to really scrub away the dead skin from her body, or in her terms “exfoliate”.) Walk down the steps calmly with cellphone and purse in hand, counting each step careful not to skip one, and plop down for a quick breakfast of oatmeal and fruits. A glass of orange juice sits atop the counter directly 11 o’clock of the plate.

The beautiful Isabella, bathe in glorious sunshine, sits alone on the kitchen counter eating her breakfast. She needs structure. She craves structure. She embodies structure.

But Isabella has a little secret. She wanted some freedom. She quietly wishes for that spur of the moment adventure. But she just doesn’t know if she could take it.

This is her story. She wants to define her existence not by the events that unfold before her but rather through the choices she makes.

She has awakened.

Lying in Bed with his trusty Guitar

It was a Saturday.

The chill in the wind as it quietly passed over Seth’s body was indicative enough that it had been raining all morning. The clock beside his bed announced that it was 11:02 AM. He had slept all morning. There was something both different and at the same time familiar as he opened his eyes.

He lay on his back staring at the ceiling despite him being awake. His mind racing with new thoughts and insights. A sudden on rush of stimuli made it impossible for him to actually get up and stand. And on this Saturday, it began. His story.

It began simple enough. Opening one’s eyes to the sights and sounds and thoughts of the world. Like a baby being born into the world, he is born. He sits up, looks out of his window and sees that the sky’s dull gray color and decides to go back to bed. He rests for now.The overwhelming information now flooding his senses took their toll.

He had awaken.