Just as fast as things started to look bleak and gray, a ray of light and a burst of color exploded into Seth’s world. He started dressing properly, better, and more decent. There was a noticeable spring in his step. He said “Hello!” a little chirper each day. His smile, ah yes his smile, his smile was back. He never thought it would happen. Not after how far he’s fallen. How deep he was hurt. But he’s back. Things are looking up. Things are definitely changing.

He was excited about life once more.

She was perfect. Despite her imperfections, he saw her for who she really was. He saw the kind of person she could potentially be. He liked being around her. He liked who he was when he was around her. He liked how she made him a better person overall. But most of all, he loved how she made him want to be a better person for her. How he wanted to show her that there is hope in love. There is hope in guys. She’s just met all these wrong men before, and now here he is, Seth, baring his soul to this one woman, after being hurt so badly, was willing to take a chance with her. To show her that there are guys who will not leave her. He loved how during the short time they were together, he found happiness beyond anything he’s had in a long time. But all that is gone now. He could no longer claim to be hers and vice versa. He would smile and talk and joke. But deep down in his heart he weeps. He weeps not because it is broken, but rather for the loss of what could have been. At that point he realized, he loved her.

Yes, Seth loves B. He fell hard. He fell fast. That’s not like him come to think about it. He is usually so guarded and wary of the people that come in his life. He has too many dreams and ambitions to gamble everything to chance and attraction. But she was different. She tore down his defenses, and for the first time in Seth’s meager life, he felt vulnerable. He felt it strange to be so exposed. No more pretensions. No more masks. No more hiding behind work or whatever it is that he sees fit. For the first time in his life, Seth showed who he really is. It was liberating.

But all that is over now. Time to move on everyone says. But Seth is just clinging on just a little bit more. Just 5 more minutes. Oh how he wished there was a snooze button for life. But alas, life beckons. Too many dreams need to be dreamt, too many accomplishments need to be started, but he would gladly give everything up to be happy with her. He returns to work. He returns to his normal life. But everything is different. Everything is changed. He feels sad and lonely amidst the sea of people and friends he has. And now anger starts to creep in.

Seth felt anger. He felt angry at her for showing him how empty and irrelevant his life is without her. But to be honest, Seth wasn’t angry at her. He was angry at himself for not realizing it sooner. She gave him so much vigor, so much life, that it was hard to return to the daily drone of work and nothingness he had grown accustomed to. Now he just felt empty without B.

It ended just as quickly as it started.

Seth met her. No expectations. No pre-conceived notions. Just pure unabated companionship, and smiles and laughs in between. He knew there was no way this person would see him for more than a friend. Close friend at best. So he dove right in, stripping away all masks and tearing down walls. He promised himself he wouldn’t fall. He’s been hurt before.

But she was different. She charmed him with her disarming smile. She was candid. Unlike any other person he has met before. She was refreshingly honest. But like Seth, she was guarded. She too has been hurt too many times in the past. So they danced around each other like two boxers waiting for each other to make the first move. The occasional thrown jab but nothing serious. They would dance and prance for awhile. Such was the game.

But Seth knew. He knew they had something special. A connection, a spark. The first time they held hands. The first kiss. He knew. This was someone special. But it was a fleeting moment. He knew she was leaving and there was nothing he could do about it.

She changed him. She changed him and she doesn’t even know. He wanted to be selfish. He wanted to tell her to stay. Stay for him. Stay for “them”. But he knew he couldn’t. She returned to where she belongs and him back to his world. And the world seemed a little bit bleaker and colder tonight.

But he agreed to say goodbye. This time he said yes to farewell. Because in his heart he knew the next hello will be much more sweeter. She was wary of opening, but there was an opening. He was counting on the chance, the hope of being together that the next hello brings. So for now Seth bids you adiu. He sends you off riding to the proverbial sunset. Although this is goodbye for now, he knows this is the first day of his life.

He was alive.

For a brief moment he thought it ended, from the flashing of his life right before his eyes to the sudden abrupt stop of everything that ever meant something to him, he thought it just all came tumbling down. But here he was, opening his eyes again. Standing up, ever so slowly and brushing off the dirt and crud from himself. He picked himself up and stood erect to the world. He lifted his chin and started on his path again. The brief stumble, may have temporarily delayed him but it did not hurt the journey. He was still on track. He will get there. He felt it. He knew people believed in him.

Here he was, after one of the biggest falls in his life, slowly inching his way towards the  unknown. He felt the deep pangs of pain and anguish festering in his very soul but did not let anyone see it. His once tandem journey towards the dream, was within a short time, cut into a solo quest. But along the way he picked up companions. Companions who eased the burden, helped him carry the load, but alas never really truly alleviating the sorrow of loneliness.

The nights killed him.

He would lie on his back, staring into the darkness. His dreams were as vivid as ever. It reminded him of the good times, the best times, and of course the worst times as well. He continually questioned if it were all real and had it really happen. The answer was always and unequivocal resounding yes. The reality of it eats him during darkness. And then he closes his eyes in defeat until the sandman takes over his hurting soul.

Such was the story of Seth for quite some time.

But its a different story now.

He sat there at the pinnacle of everything he’s achieved and yet he was not happy. He sat atop his laurels and undying congratulatory handshakes and yet despite being surrounded by people who were indeed happy for him he felt the silent pangs of loneliness. Yes, he was lonely. His melancholic mood did not help either as his heart slowly withered away. He felt it growing colder, smaller, and with every breath died a little as he trudged along what he called a meaningful life. Success didn’t mean anything anymore. He was always working for a goal, an ideal, a dream, and then one day all that crumbled. They all left with her. He sat there, and despite having everything, he had nothing. He wanted nothing but to be able to have her, to hold her, once again.
He was lonely once more.

Loneliness in a sea of people. Drowning in his own stupidity. He once had everything when he had nothing. He promised her he would give the world to her. He would go out, and get everything she ever dreamed of, and be the man he wanted to be for her. But she couldn’t wait. She left him. She left him, when he finally had something to give. She left him when he finally was able to give her worth giving. And now that he had everything, he had nothing. Void of color, everything was washed away in a sea of blue and coldness. No spring in the step, no warmth in his smile, nothing. It was as if he just decided one day to stop caring, stop feeling. People say this is suppose to make him stronger, and yet, it just reminds him of how weak he really is. Weak and uncaring, like that tiny little smeagol or Gollum who cared nothing but his precious. Dependent on what he thought he got from the ring. He too hisses and curses. He broods and sulks. All this for his precious.

Seth stood there. He just stood looking out into the great unknown. He felt the pain in his heart and yet he did not allow himself to be engulfed by it. He closed his eyes, and under the stillness of his breath and quietness of the wind, whispered a simple prayer. This brief instant of clarity and pain and weight on him allowed him to become emotional and for the first time to truly feel what it is to be human. He was still lucid enough to be rational though. His eyes slowly opened, like the dawn breaking and rays of light started to penetrate his consciousness. He saw hope.

It is sad. There is no sense of denying it. The sense of loss would overcome any regular person. Thank God, Seth was not regular. He knew he was something else. He knew he was destined for even greater things. And now a greater person and partner too. He still lost someone. The proverbial breaking of the heart was still there. There is not joyous rapture that it is finally over. A somber grayness engulfed his vision. It was as if the vibrance of life was just suddenly stripped of its colors and was now a dull gray. All the colors, happiness, joy, just melted away. And all that was left were the ashes and memories of what was and the dreams and hopes of what could have been. His world was just a bit more bleaker now as it was when he woke up this morning. And yet he does not find himself in shambles.

He stood there. The same way he stood in his former life and saw a future that was great and beautiful only to realize that the person who you thought was standing with you was not there. Seth stood there thinking she was there holding his hand as they looked to a brighter future. But when he started moving towards that future she let go. Seth thought she was “THE ONE”, too bad he realized he was the only one to think so. And yet, life goes on. There is always a promise of a better tomorrow. Seth was a great guy. He has so much to offer. Never once did he hold back.

How does one begin to move on?

He wandered the halls for awhile looking and searching for something. For what he does not know. The world seemed bleak. It was even bleaker with the realization that there is nothing for him to look forward to. There was nothing for him to wake up to. Yet, his heart was not in turmoil as he expected it to be. It was as if he was dead and hollow inside. He knows it is just for this moment. So he let it engulf him totally. The emptiness, and deadness, and the nothingness, all of it swallowing his being whole. The world was gray. So was he.

He settled to sit on a bench. He looked over in a distance. He saw what was. He saw something beautiful. He had it, and now has lost it. The feeling of despair slowly crushing his chest as if it were a thousand pound weight. The image of what was, and might have been was just too overwhelming. And here he was, in the now, sitting with nothing or no one. Not even a promise that it will be better. That it will be ok. He closed his eyes and allowed all the beautiful memories to flood his senses. The scent, the touch, the feeling, and then it happened. He let go. He was dead inside. But only for a moment. Now he truly begins to live.

But for now, he just sits. Eyes slightly squinting at the ever vague future. And in the shadows of what might have been shines a glimmer of hope.

But for now he sits in silence. In peace, in tranquility, despite the turmoil of emotions welling up inside. He sits.

The View From The Cliff Was Stunning

She rose from bed with a bleary look in her eyes. She quickly recounted a vague dream. But that quickly passed. She put aside her pillows and quickly jumped to her feet. It was a new day. She did her morning rituals in dire anticipation of how her day will unfold. She was her own heroine in her own little life story.

She got ready for work. It was 6:30 AM

In another part of the country, he sat on a verandra staring out in the beautiful cove. The lush greenery and serene surroundings beckoning for him to relax was just too overwhelming. Yesterday, his world came crashing down upon him. Today was a new day. A strong wind blew past him as he sat in silence with a warm cup of coffee between his two clasp hands. He started to recount the events of yesterday and everything seemed like a dream. Like a bad nightmare, and luckily the details were not readily available. He wanted to scream and shout and yet, for fear of breaking the tranquil peace around him he held back. He pulled back. He knew emotions would not get him anywhere. He wanted to go over to the offending party and strangle the life out of him. But it wasn’t his fault. It was hers. But at the end of the day he knew the decision was his. Despite everything spiraling wildly out of control, after everything has been said and done, he still had a choice.

What a choice he had to make. Everything seemed like it was laid out. Exiled to a remote destination, the tranquil peace, the cool steady breeze, the symphony of birds chirping and waves crashing, they all seemed planned. It was as if the universe was setting him up for his defining moment.

He agreed in his head. He didn’t see this as a test or rather something similar to an emotional disaster. He saw this as his defining moment. His choice would define the kind of character and moral fiber that he had.

Now all he had to do was make that choice. The right choice.

He moved away from the window. He took one long gaze at nowhere in particular and decided to get back to his laptop. And just as he was turning away, he felt his heart skip a beat. Could it be?

Could it be that at the particular time, SHE was also thinking about him too. He would never know. But for that brief moment nothing else mattered.

Nightscape

He looks outside his window. A light drizzle has started to fall. He had lost all track of time. He gathers his things and prepares to leave this place that he calls “an office”. He quickly jots something down in a blue ledger and proceeds to silently exit the building; lost in his own thoughts. He had just barely realized his own consciousness and now a beautiful new experience was upon him. He deliberately walks slowly in the rain, making sure his every step is firmly planted on the now damp grass. Tiny droplets of water float down from the endless and seamless dark of the night sky. Ahh the beauty that is October rain. There was a slight breeze as he fumbled for the keys for his car.

His journey continues on.

Swimming in his own thoughts, he is lost to a world unknown to everyone else including him. He couldn’t make sense of it all. From a distance he noticed a young lady watching him walk from the office exit towards the parking lot. There she stood. With a purple umbrella. Just watching. Observing. He felt this slight tinge of insecurity as he felt that the girl was watching his every move. Yet, he felt drawn to her. To meet her gaze. To connect. He wanted to reach out. To satisfy his need for social contact.

But the girl had already moved on.

He felt sad and somehow relieved. He was full of conflict. “Is this what it means to exist?” he continued to reflect upon as he started his 1 hour drive home. The engine hummed quietly as he sped away. Not knowing that his story had just begun.

He was thankful to the girl. He hoped to meet her again someday.

Little did he know, what is in store for him in the coming days.